Continuing with our series of true stories about couples who have sought divorces, and what happened during negotiations.

2. Story of Rebecca and John

I am in my office with Rebecca. 

Rebecca:  I don’t trust him.  He is controlling and a penny pincher and I am sick of being squeezed under his thumb.

Me:  Well, what do we need to ask him that will help you in not having to trust him.  

Rebecca:  I need to move out; I need my own place.

Me:  Ok.  That’s good.

Rebecca:  I also don’t trust him with the finances. 

Me:  Well we could have an impartial and unbiased financial for the two of you to examine all the finances and make sure we both know the facts about finances.  How do you feel about that.

Rebecca:  He will lie to the financial.

Me:  You know even in court, he may lie.  Financials are very good at getting every document they need to get a clear picture of the finances.  If there is any concern, he would know.

Now, before we go to our meeting with John and Fred (John’s attorney),  I want you to be in a way that will bring out his generous side.

First, write down 10 things you can thank John for. 

Rebecca:  She looked scared and said I can’t I can’t. 

Me:  Why?

Rebecca:  I can’t I can’t think of any

Me:  Well you can start with thanking him for your daughter.

Rebecca:  Yes okay.

She seemed to be stopped after that.

Me:  You know Rebecca, you can love him and still be able to divorce him.  Are you afraid that if you acknowledge him you may not be able to divorce him?

Rebecca:  she looked down with tears in her eyes:  yes

Me:  Don’t worry about that.  It is good for you and your daughter that you be thankful to him.

Rebecca then started to think of a few more.  “well he treated my son from another marriage as his own”

Me:  Now here is how I want you to talk to John about what you want.

“I need ___________; can you help me?”

At the meeting:

Rebecca started thank John for having provided for her and for their daughter and for treating her son as his own.

John immediately said:  As part of our settlement agreement I want to pay for his college tuition as well.

Rebecca started sobbing.  She never expected that offer.

Later in the meeting,  Rebecca said I need to move out; and I need $7000 a month to be able to afford my expenses.

John:  You can stay in the house and I move out.

Rebecca:  No John, I don’t want to stay in that house.  You probably have cameras.  I want my PRIVACY (she spoke with desperation and anger). That is your house, you come in and go through my stuff.

John:  I did that because, you were sleeping with someone a week after our separation.

They started yelling back and forth.

Me:  I looked at Rebecca in her eyes  and said with a firm voice:  “THERE IS NO CHEESE AT THE END OF THAT TUNNEL.”

They both looked at me trying to understand what I am saying.  By the time they understood they laughed and forgot what they were fighting about.