When you consult attorneys, most of them ask you questions about certain facts, specially facts related to finances, in order to take an opposing position toward your spouse or soon to be spouse.

What gets ignored, is checking in with you about what you really want.  An adversarial position is assumed right away.

Reality is that most people don’t even ask themselves what they really want.

When anyone consults with me, I ask them this question, that for many has been a very difficult question to answer.

What do you want?  Do you want to get divorced or do you wish you could make the marriage work?  What is the relationship like?

WHAT IS IT LIKE RIGHT NOW WITH MOST ATTORNEYS:

Most common way of addressing a family law issue is gathering the facts in preparation of trial and proof for the Judge and then somewhere along the way, try to settle by negotiation based on who has the upper hand.

Many take it so far as to fabricate facts.  The person who promised you to be your partner is suddenly at war in court with you.  You are doing things and saying things against the person you promised to cherish and support.

The process not only takes a huge financial toll (unpredictable attorney fees for an unpredictable length of time for an unpredictable result), but also a huge emotional and psychological toll, not to mention the toll on children involved who feel that they are used by both parents.

HOW IT COULD BE:

The best way to show you is to share with you a story about one of my former clients. I am giving her a different name to protect her privacy.

A woman by the name of Sarah called me to represent her in getting her divorce.

I asked her if she is sure she wants a divorce?  She told me that she is sure.  Her needs were not met in the marriage and she did not want to cheat on her husband.

I asked her how their communication and relationship was because the best way, and most cost effective and efficient way of resolving any problem is through communication and collaboration.

She told me that her husband is a good man and the process can be amicable.

I suggested that I meet with both of them so that we could plan how to best go forward.  I could be hired as her counsel and negotiate a settlement with her husband, or I could serve as a mediator, or if we find that they each need counsel, I could be one of their Collaborative attorneys.

I find it best for people, if the three of us plan the process together.  Therefore, most of the time, I don’t meet with people who call me; I meet with them and their spouse together, if the case can be done amicably.  Otherwise, the spouse, will probably not feel safe to meet and there is a risk that he/she will hire a litigator and the case is forced into litigation.

If the spouse needs an attorney, it is best for both of them, that the case is handled through Collaborative process, whereby each have their own Collaborative attorney and the Collaborative attorneys do not go to Court; and instead work together to make sure both are taken care of.  It is like having an attorney without an adversarial process.

NOW GOING BACK TO SARAH:

Sarah and Michael met with me an afternoon in my office.  They both decided to hire me as their mediator.   In order for us to be able to resolve this efficiently, as each person shared what it was like for them in the marriage, I checked with the other to see what he/she understood.  I helped them in their communication during the process, not only for the sake of resolving this matter efficiently, but also because they are co-parents and they need to learn to communicate effectively to co-parent.

Sarah shared her story and it was all about all her needs that were not met.  I could see how Michael was struggling; he was not interrupting; but it was obvious he had so much to say.  Finally, I asked Sarah to stop and listen to Michael.

Michael started sharing all the things he did to make sure Sarah is taken care of.  He was not complaining.  But the stories all made it apparent, how much he loved her that he did all that he could for her for so long.

You see, Michael had a medical condition which made it very physically painful for him to please her.  But he tried very hard to please her despite the pain.

It seemed that Sarah was listening to Michael for the first time and Michael was sharing his story for the first time.

Sarah was sobbing; she really got how much he loved her.

She realized that all she wanted was to feel loved, and that it was not even about sex.

During our meeting, Michael learned that with him hugging and holding and touching Sarah is how she felt loved.  Sarah learned that Michael felt loved when Sarah gave him words of admiration and acknowledgment.  Each received love differently.  They learned to love each other they way the other receives love.

Well, Michael and Sarah reconciled, even though, that was not the plan.

But my plan is always for us to work together and discover what is the best option and plan that works for everyone in the family.