Following is a series of 10 true stories about divorce and what happened.

#1 – The Marriage of Eli

Eli calls me from the courthouse.  I am trying to talk to my wife and her attorney does not let me to talk to her. 

Me:  Ask her attorney to talk to me over the phone

Me:  Hi, my name is Michelle Daneshrad,  I am a collaborative attorney that Eli is considering to hire.  Can we talk for a few minutes?

Jack, Naomi’s attorney:  Of course.

Me:  Are you open to working with me in helping them resolve this case without further litigation.

Jack:  Yes I think it is best if they settle this case.

Me:  How familiar are you about the Collaborative process. 

Jack: I have heard about it. 

Me:  Collaborative lawyers support the clients in reaching an agreement through communication and understanding.  It is important that both clients feel comfortable and trust that the lawyers are not adversarial so that they feel comfortable in letting their guards down and be flexible. 

I believe this couple can work out their issues in a Collaborative process.

Would you be okay with Naomi and Eli attempting the collaborative process?

Jack:  Yes.  I am a mediator as well so I understand.

Me:  Naomi would have to hire a Collaborative attorney for the process.

Jack:  No I am a mediator I can be her collaborative attorney.

Me:  You have been in an adversarial position with Eli, it will not be in their favor if you participate as her attorney in the process.  Also, Collaborative attorneys must sign a stipulation that they will not go to court or litigate the case if the case is not resolved.

Jack:  No I will not sign such a stipulation.  However I will do whatever you say in the process.  I will follow your lead.  I know I can be Naomi’s attorney in the process.  I just will not sign such stipulation.

Me:  Sigh; let’s have a meeting to set the ground rules and the mission statement of both of them.

Jack:  My client is very fragile and extremely sensitive. 

Me:  Then let’s meet at your office so that she feels more safe.

Jack:  Okay let’s meet next week.

Me:  Let’s meet 30 minutes before the clients arrive so that we can get aligned and prepare for them.

First meeting:  I meet Jack in the lobby of his office.  He directs me to the conference room.  We seat down at the end of a conference table.

Me:  Thank you for being open to do this and allowing me to guide.  You and I need to be their role models in the way we listen and respect them.  We need to create a trusting relationship between you and Eli.  Eli is very angry about statements you made about him in court pleadings.  He says you lied about him and you are not trustworthy. 

Jack:  Well as a litigation attorney I had to portray the events to my client’s favor.  But I understand.

Me:  I suggest apologizing to him and taking responsibility about that. 

Jack:  I will do that.

We hear yelling.  Jack’s secretary barges in the conference room.  Eli is harassing Naomi and he is being abusive.

Jack runs out.  Eli yells:  I just want to talk to my wife.  This woman starts yelling at me and accusing me of abusing her.  What kind of collaborative process is this; why is she here?

Jack and Eli are in each other’s faces yelling at each other.

I ask both Eli and Jack to come in while Naomi is in another conference room.

They continue to yell and bicker at each other. 

Me:  You are both basically saying the same thing to each other.  “I don’t trust you” and you are harmful to Naomi.

You both want to protect Naomi.  You both want to resolve this case without litigation and in a collaborative way.  As far as I am concerned, you are on the same side.

Jack, will you allow Eli to talk to Naomi during the meeting? 

Jack: yes.

Me: Let’s have Naomi come in.   Naomi comes in.

She is very quiet, looking down, and speaks with such a low voice that you could barely hear her.

Me:  Naomi,  let me introduce myself.  I am a collaborative attorney and as one,  my commitment is to ensure that clients feel safe and are respected.  I want you to know that every one at this table wants you protected, taken care of and safe.  Let’s start with acknowledgments and words of appreciation.  I pointed to Eli to go first. 

Eli:  Naomi,  (tears are filling his eyes) I just love you and I want this divorce to be as easy as possible for you.

Naomi looked at him:  “wow, I did not know you feel that way.”

We proceeded in making a list of their goals.

The children were 15 year old daughter (Natalie) and 12 year old son (Brad).  Both adamantly did not want to ever see mom.  Natalie had testified in court that she does not want visits with mom and no one could make her.

Eli said that he could not make them go visit Naomi.  He tried and he can not.

We talked about how Eli will talk to the kids about how Naomi and Eli are their coparents and they make decisions together.   We talked about how Naomi can come to the house and have tea and spend time in the house sometimes.  Sometimes, Eli could say to the children that we are going to have  lunch with mom and invite them to come so that after several invitations, they may become open to it.

We made great progress that day.  Jack suggested that we deal with spousal support at our next meeting.  We scheduled our next meeting.

Me:  We now are going to complete the meeting with acknowledgments.  Eli and Naomi thanked each other for each other’s cooperation.  Naomi thanked Jack for being there at her side.

Eli said to Jack:  I am sorry for having been such an as—hole.

Jack said to Eli:  I am sorry for writing lies about you in court papers.